How to deal with toxic managers

The vote

The vote this week was how to deal with toxic managers or how to deal with toxic friends. With 71% of the vote this week’s blog is on:
How to deal with toxic managers.
I’ll say now that I have a lot to say on this subject so the blog is a long one. I would advise grabbing a cup of tea, a biscuit (or fruit) and then settle down to read.

Experience

We have all had those managers whose works ambition is to make our lives a living hell. They can make us dread going into work, shout at us for being 5 minutes late (even if it was the trains fault), send our reports back covered in red pen as that is not the way they wanted it and are generally just a pain in the butt! I have had several of these managers during my work career to date and I am pretty sure that I will have some more to come.

Quick side note

I will point out at this point that I am now technically my own boss again. In December I went back to being self-employed/freelance after I was made redundant. I tend to be very nice to myself, but this isn’t my point. I have a wealth of knowledge and experience of the toxic kind as well unfortunately.

Back then

Back when I was dealing with these types of managers, I was a very different person to who I am today. The old me was quiet, didn’t speak up for herself, bottled situations up to boiling point and generally didn’t know how to deal with a toxic situation. Today I pick my battles wisely and have been known to stand up for the wrongs and say to people “no”.

Good managers vs bad managers

A very good manager I had once upon a time told me this.  Watch people in power. Watch how they interact with other members of staff, watch how they interact with suppliers, watch how they interact with clients and so on.  I asked why. They told me you can learn a lot from a manager or a person in power. You can learn how to do things and most importantly how not to do them. This particular manager has it spot on. Every person who I have worked with I have watched. Some techniques I will use but a lot of techniques I probably won’t. Now call me old fashioned but I am all about the people at the end of the day and that little word Respect!

Respect

A tiny 7 letter word but the power behind it can be immense. However, some managers in power tend to forget about it. My theory is simple. You respect me as an employee and I will respect you as a manager. Now if you start shouting at me, throwing reports on my desk and belittling me in front of my colleagues then that respect is lost. With respect you can build a team, a successful international company and have gold in the bank.

The boxing ring

As much as I would love to get a toxic manager into a boxing ring for a “chat” it obviously is not the correct way forward. It may also lead to me to having a chat with the “Police” and that is something I really don’t want to do. However, there are ways to look after yourself without the need of a boxing ring. The three most important ones being, talk to someone about it, have a stress outlet (gym, walk) and as 2 Spuds keeps saying have some “me time” away from the badness.

My experience

I have been in a few work situations where I have been turfed out for one reason or another. Let me be very clear here that this is all about bullying and me being on the receiving end of it. It is not to do with me being fired. The manager in question didn’t like that I stood up for being shouted at in the middle of the office.  Plain and simple.

Manager 1

Now this was after months of them shouting at me, them throwing paperwork down on my desk, them making me stay for hours at the end of the work day while they wined and dined clients in the pub across the road and so on. It was easier for them to let the “trouble maker” go rather than face up to the truth. I was called into the office one morning and was given a mutual resignation and that was that. End of employment. Now since this incident several people have said I could have taken them to tribunal. It was handled horrifically and caused me endless problems with gaining different employment. It is also about 10 years ago now and I have grown up from it.

If I met said manager today

I am sure it would make an interesting afternoon and I would love to know why they bullied me and what terror they are causing today. However, I am also a lot stronger. Both mentally and physically than I was so they do not scare me anymore. I have moved on from it so unless they are offering to apologise some ten years later then I am not interested.

My other managers

As I say I have had many managers being bad. I’ve had to liaise with a lawyer with regards to a bad manager. I have been paid to leave a company due to another bad manager too. Also, I once worked at a company where one of the manager told me that if I didn’t like the way they managed then I knew where the door was. Wow! This is what they thought management was. Let’s just say I sourced a new job and moved on rather quickly after that. 

It still happens today

The above still happens today and unfortunately seems to be happening more and more often. I think managers and people in power sometimes forget that we as employees are human beings and we have feelings, lives, rent to pay and so on. We are more often than not these days treated as a number and have the threat hanging over our head of you can be replaced within seconds.

Managers out of their depths

I have to admit I think a lot of people these days end up in management positions where they are out of their depth. They have no clue on how to manage a group of people while hitting company targets and objectives. That is my personal opinion.

The dinner table high fives!

I mean do these (bad) managers at the end of the day sit around the dinner table with their family and go “woohoo I had a great day today. I made Diane cry, I sacked Tony after 10 years of service and I am a brilliant person”. High five! Hm! May be not. Now I understand sometimes you have to be mean and harsh to get to the top of somewhere but are we not taking it a bit far these days?! The other thing to point out is it is not too late to change from a bad manager to a good one. It will take time and hard work but if you want it then you can do it.

Imagine people like children

This has taken me years to perfect but it works like a charm now. If there is one thing that you take from this blog it’s this:
Imagine people (managers) like children!
That sentence sounds a bit weird doesn’t it? Stay with me though as I try to explain. This all started about halfway through my counselling when I started to see the difference between people. The difference between people who were my friends and who were there to help me be a better person and those people who didn’t.  

Functional Movement Disorder

I have two options with my functional movement disorder. One is to let people get to me, stress me out, give me lip or argue with me. Now if people do that I tend to start trembling then shaking and depending on the severity of the situation I can start shaking from head to toe. I am aware that it could happen anywhere and at any point during a stressful situation. Therefore, I tend to go with option 2 now. That option allows me to be in more control of a situation, so I do not start shaking. This option is what I use today. I take a different road and try to not let people get to me. Now sometimes this is easier said than done but that is life.  

Control

Imagine selfish people like children who have trouble sharing toys. Let me try and make this clearer. Take a manager who has summoned you to their office to have a “chat”. You go in and take a seat while they sit behind a big desk. They may ask how you are today (often not) then the flood gates open. They are shouting at you, using bad language, gesturing, insulting you or getting up to stand beside you so they can make sure you definitely hear their point. Now if this is to happen, they have lost two fundamental points. Control and respect! (as a side note, you deserve both of them in control and respect).  

Let me break it down

Now as soon as they have raised their voice, they have lost control of the situation. If they use bad language, they have lost even more control. And finally (and this is the big one) if they come around to your side of the desk, they have lost control completely and are invading your personal space. It isn’t nice to be insulted by another person but in today’s society, it happens and unfortunately it happens more often than not. If this is to happen in a situation then that reflects more on them as a person than you. Remember that!

Imagine people like children explained

Now that I have painted the picture lets look at this a different way. As I have said it is the way I look at people in these situations today. Imagine them as a child who has just had their favourite toy taken from them for whatever reason it may be. What does the child do? They may start crying, they may tug at the toy to claim it back, they may start shouting, they may start stamping their feet and flailing their arms, it could end in an almighty tantrum. Now what has the child achieved at the tantrum stage? Their toy? Usually not. Now imagine a manager doing that. The shouting, the bad language, the gesturing, the insulting and the moving around the desk is a tantrum. It’s nothing more.  A tantrum! Plain and simply, they are having a tantrum!

Laugh it off!

I have had to deal with situations like this on more than one occasion. I laugh it off now. As soon as you start doing the above to me, I feel you have lost control. I will either tell you to calm down and talk to me like an adult or I will quietly walk away. I fight the fights which I know I have something to say in and for those fights where I don’t, I walk away. 

Walking away from a fight

Walking a way from a fight may be the right or the wrong thing to do, only you can decide that as a person. This also goes for walking away from a bad job to a better one. I go with the principle that if I feel passionate enough to do something, I will think about it for a few days then act on that. If I am not going to gain anything from the fight and you have shown me, your true colours then I will walk away. Why waste my valuable time and resources being sucked up in a situation where I can see the person has no idea on what they are doing. I like to live by the motto that they will get their comeuppance someday. I may not be around to see it, but it helps make me feel better. 

Around in circles

If you are going around and around with a fight and neither of you can see the end, then you can do a few things. One is to seek help either with someone in human resources or a well-chosen friend (someone mutual to both sides). The other is to walk away completely, re-group and then come back again and see if there can be some resolution. We unfortunately live these days where we have the “it wasn’t my fault”, “why do I have to do it”, “blame someone else” and so on culture.

That rare gem

I’m not saying that every manager is bad, occasionally there is that rare gem. That gem who gives you the time of day, the respect that you deserve and service with a smile. It is unfortunately a bit of a rarity these days, but it does exist. If you come across it hold on to it with all the power you have, these are the good guys. 

Talk to someone

I urge anyone who has read this and is now thinking, ” that is me” to talk to someone. Talk to a colleague, friend or family member. Also, check your employee handbook as there should be rules in there about bullying. There may even be a secure/private phone number to talk to someone who can advise you. I would also try your human resources department. At the end of the day they are there to help you. 2 Spuds is also around to talk about it too.

Outlets

It is important to stay safe in these circumstances. Talking to someone is key but so is eating well, exercising to let the bad stresses out, sleeping well so you are prepared for the next round of bother and so on. Look after yourself. If you need to have a day off to re-group then do it. When all this was happening to me I was stressed, worried, anxious and didn’t have the proper outlets to help me. Once the resources were in place I got on a lot better. I also over the couple of years I worked with the counsellor learnt to stand up for myself. This is hard to do but is a valuable resource once you have learnt it. In the meantime try and use deep breathing and the count to 10 approach if you need it. 2 Spuds is more than happy to chat to you one-to-one about how to stand up for yourself.

Take care

I know going through toxic managers is tough and can make your life a misery. Try and take on board some of things I have said above. Most importantly look after yourself and take care.

-Helen

Ps. 2 Spuds is having some “me time” down in Southern Scotland this weekend so there will be no blog. Back to normal next Wednesday though.

Make plans and put dates in your diaries for fun days!

It is so easy to become wrapped up in everyday ongoings and we often forget to make plans. I find that having a date in the diary for a trip, a walk, a day on the beach or coffee with a friend is a really good thing to have.

No plans

I went through a period when the only things I made plans for was….. well seeing the GP. Nothing else. When this is all you have to look forward to then this itself can make you depressed. This also shows the disinterest I felt at the time, with regards to pretty much everything. I got stuck in a negative spiral of not doing anything fun, not making any plans and not having anything fun to look forward too. This really did not help my mental health, and if anything it also added to the depression. I felt as if I was floating through my days in a vacuum. To be fair, this was at my lowest time, when I did not function.

Lots of plans (but not too much at this point)

The diary now looks a lot different, with fun things to do. This includes a short trip and also a challenge in a few months. What I like about having this in the diary is that I feel a lot more productive, procrastinate less, and also feel energised. My days are now filled up with a lot of things to do, several projects on the go and a lot to get sorted and organised for the upcoming trips. This helps on a mental level, as I get to work on being organised under some pressure. Just the thought of stressing has freaked me out for a long time now, but this is slowly starting to change. I feel that I can stress a little, and that I do function well doing so. By stress I mean the kind which is low-level and short term, not the constant high level stress which in the end broke me.

Energised and happy

There are quite a few preparations we need to undertake to get these trips on the way. We need to be both mentally and physically fit and prepared. Mentally I am getting there. I feel stronger now than ever, and I will continue to work on my mental health for the rest of my life. As it is partly a physical challenge, we need to plan our exercise regime for the week, and fit this in with all other plans. I do find though that having all these plans and fun things to look forward to makes me happy and energised. There is a goal to achieve! Exciting times.

What I want to say is this: make plans for your days, weeks or a weekend later on in the year. They can be small things, but anything that puts a little smile on your face when you look at it is fantastic.

-Rosita

Organise, prioritise, then action.

A lot of us will at some point suffer from mental health issues, some so much that they cannot function and others who just get on with it. I used to be one of the “get on with it” until I simply could not carry out the simplest of tasks. Life continues and we all move with it. How we feel is not constant. I am now coming out the other end, and I want to talk about a few things that are helping me at the moment.

Organise

I can see that as my mental health went down hill, so did my organisational skills. Maybe skills is not the right word, they are still there, but certainly the desire to being organised and keeping on top of things became too much. By this I mean simple things like having a good filing system, both physical and on the computer; having somewhere to put my stuff down when I come in from work which is my own space and it won’t get touched or moved; having books and music easily accessible on tablet or phone, and also passwords for everything. I feel when things are not organised that there is chaos in my head and it is difficult to function. This only adds to the feelings of depression and anxiety, it makes it worse and becomes a vicious circle.

Getting organised

Over the last few weeks I have been able to, and wanted to, get organised again. This includes sorting the above, as well as starting writing a journal and having a non-digital calendar, the one you write in using a pen. I have been in a better place recently and I feel a lot of this is down to the shift I am going through, which I believe is thanks to CBT and counselling. Writing in a journal and/or calendar means all my thoughts and things to do are written down for me to see, and once I’ve written it I can put the thoughts away as I know they are there for me to read as and when I want to. Writing this way works for me, but you might find that making notes online or similar works better for you. I find it is very beneficial actually using a pen to write on paper and it can be very therapeutic. I use pretty colours too which possible helps 🙂

Prioritise

If you’re anything like me, you have a hundred and one things to do. It is simply not possible to complete all tasks, and this is when you need to prioritise. I have started prioritising me more than before, and what I want to do in order to get better.

Prioritise goals and tasks

There are things I want to do for various goals, be it short-term and long-term, as well as various tasks. An example of a goal is to be well enough to come off my medication. This is a long-term goal that currently does not have a time frame on it. I have loosely said about a year but I don’t feel it is appropriate to put an exact date in for this. Examples of the tasks are going food shopping, cleaning the house and going to the dentist. I try to ensure that I work towards my goals every day whilst also completing tasks. It is so easy to simply do the tasks but this won’t bring you closer to your goals. You might need to become a bit selfish in order to do this. I am very lucky that I have Helen who always does a lot, because that is how she is. I am trying to make sure that I find a happy medium there so I don’t annoy her by not contributing, but she would also tell me to pull my weight if she felt that I did not.

Action

It is very safe to make lists, plan, organise everything and certainly very much within the comfort zone. I find I am not quite as good as taking action. This again is something that I used to be better at, whereas now there is this nagging thought that stops me from doing just that. I need to have a conversation or argument with myself before being able to take action. This is something you can work on, like I do. I am trying to just throw myself out there and do whatever it is that needs doing, preferably just diving in before the brain and thoughts even have time to stop me.

Examples of taking action

One example of this is the counselling. I first became aware of this counselling place almost 2 years ago now, but I did not do anything about it. Then I had a pretty bad day and just went for it, I made a self referral and got an appointment for the week after. I had gotten to a point again where I needed more help, and this is absolutely fine. I am so much better for it.

Another example is throwing myself into a physical challenge, which I will tell you about in a later post. Suffice to say it will be both physically and mentally challenging. We were out walking a couple of weeks ago and this thought popped in to my head. It is something we talked about several times before, but not done anything about. I blurted it out without thinking and luckily Helen thought it was a marvellous idea. I certainly got a buzz from just going for it without thinking about it before. Thinking about something is not necessarily a bad thing, but when it stops you from doing what you want and you end up worrying and getting anxious then clearly this is not good.

It is important also to recognise when you have done something you were putting off, and give yourself a pat on the back for doing so. Without action, failure or success we cannot move on.

Don’t let your thoughts stop you. Act on the good before your thoughts have time to put in an appearance.

-Rosita

NLP

NLP or Neuro Linguistic Programming is something that 2 Spuds did over the weekend with Bodycore Training. We were aware we were doing the course on Saturday but what we were unaware of was how much it can help someone, how much it can benefit us and how deep it actually goes.

Tissues

The course instructor opened the course with, “the tissues are on the table, water on the side and hugs are also available”. We suddenly thought what had we let ourselves in for. Over the next 8 hours we were about to find out the full ins and outs of NLP. We are still finding out today what it is about and I am sure we still have a lot to learn going forwards too.

What is it?

A very good question I would say. According to our notes and that multi-coloured search engine NLP stands for neuro which has to do with neurology, linguistic refers to language and programming is to do with neural language functions. It is about changes in perception and developing positive choices in a given situation. NLP can be used for personal development as well as phobias and anxiety.

What did we learn?

We learnt a lot. We learnt that our brain has a MAP and no I don’t mean Google. I mean it has a record of our past, our feelings, our thoughts, our learnings and so on. We get this information from our parents, teachers, television, social media and much, much more. NLP takes us from our comfort zone to our uncomfortable zone then flourishes. My favourite metaphor from the course is: there are 10,000 films playing in our brains at any one time but consciously we are only aware and concentrating on 1. Just the 1 from 10,000 films. We have 1! Wow! Now that is a bit mind-boggling at the best of times. Around 95% of us is working on a subconscious level or in other words, auto-pilot. Again, wow!

Life style questions

There are series of life style questions which you answer to determine what area of NLP will be good for you to experience. We were then introduced to the NLP technologies. These are the “trances” for want of a better word. Someone will speak to my subconscious and my conscious beings to determine where I need help and what behaviours need changing to help me too.

The trance

Now this was interesting. We were put into a trance like state and then asked questions. It is very weird when you are moving part of the body, the brain is controlling it but you cannot figure out when you open your eyes how it did that. If that makes any sense whatsoever! That is the kind of weird that it is. Helen didn’t go too deep on the first try but has over the last day or so been saying that one of her bad memories has a block on it. The memory is hazy. It is something that she will continue to work on. Rosie is also feeling calmer over a bad memory and now has a more positive frame of mind.

We tidied the house

We are not sure if this has anything to do with NLP but on Sunday we did all of those jobs which have been on our “to do” list since May. The garden has been put away for the winter, we tidied the shed, we took the stuff we had been saving for a rainy day to the tip. At some point we had lunch before we tackled the kitchen. The cupboards were emptied, checked what we actually wanted to keep, what we hadn’t used since we had moved in, cleaned from top to toe and all sugary snacks given to the neighbours kid. By the end of Sunday we had 10 bags to go to charity.

2 Spuds and NLP

2 Spuds is currently practising a lot of the NLP techniques so we can be ready for a launch next year. Due to the nature of NLP, how deep into your past it can go and the fact it needs to be handled with the utmost care and respect it will take some time for us to get this ready. We will of course keep you updated on this site.

-Helen

This time of year (and exercise)

I thought I would do a quick blog on this time of year and exercise. There are a few things that may influence our exercise during the next few months. Yes, stress will be a major factor but I am talking more about coughs, colds, flu, SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and so on.

Can we exercise when we are sick?

The short answer to the question is, listen to your body. It is as simple as that. When we are sick with a cold or flu our bodies are using up vital energy. Energy trying to fight the bugs that caused us to be sick in the first place. If we then decide to go and run a 5k the energy switches from making us better to attempting the 5k. In short, it could make us much worse which will take even longer to recover from.

Our CV system

Our cardiovascular (CV) system is made up of our heart, lungs, arteries, veins and so on. If our lungs are already inflamed fighting off a chesty cough and we decide to run a 5k then this could make us worse.

An overnight bike ride

Let me put this into an experience. With a cold I was about to complete an overnight 100km (62 mile) bike ride. I should have been at home in bed recovering but I was at the start line at 2330. Riding through the night breathing in the continuous cold air was not a good idea. My body ached, I struggled uphill as I couldn’t breathe properly and I eventually made it to the finish line. Lets just say it was more of a collapse over the finish line. I was exhausted. Later that day my chest hurt, my cough sounded like a barking dog and I had a temperature. My mother was less than sympathetic (“it’s your own fault” she said) and I ended up with a chest infection. Several years later if I get a cold it always goes straight to my chest (a reminder for being such an idiot). The long and short of it was, I should have been in bed.

Temperature

Again if you have flu or a high temperature then attempting a high intensity class will only make you warmer. If the body gets too hot then it will shut down and you will faint. Not a great thing to do in the middle of a crowded gym.

But can I exercise?

If you are like me and you are determined to get into the gym then here is my top 5 things to do if you feel you really do need to work out.

  • Stay in bed
  • Drink a hot drink (water, lemon, ginger and honey can do wonders)
  • Watch TV
  • Eat chocolate
  • Call lots of people to give you sympathy

There you go.

No, in all seriousness if you are determined then here is the “real” list.

  • Slow to medium walking on a treadmill (no incline)
  • Cycle (not a spin class)
  • Lift little weights (no 100kg’s)
  • No high intensity/circuits/or anything that will get you out of breath
  • Some light stretching

Your body needs the time to recover and it is time you will need to give it.

When you feel better

When you feel better you will need to again listen to your body. Depending on how much time you have had off you will need to let your body get back into the swing of things. Don’t assume after 2 weeks off you can do straight into lifting 100kg’s or sprint for 2 minutes. Give your body time to get back to where it was.

SAD (seasonal affective disorder)

Now, there is one condition you may get around this time of year and it is SAD. SAD is a type of depression that presents itself during the winter months. The 3 best ways to help SAD is getting as much natural light as possible (sunshine) , exercising regularly and keeping stress away. For more information on SAD please visit the NHS website.

Listen

As I keep saying, during the next few months listen to your body. Let the main symptoms disappear and then get back into your exercise routine. Don’t beat yourself up about not being able to make a circuits class. It is much better that you recover first rather than collapsing mid-class. Even I have been known to say “I think I need to sit on the couch tonight”.

-Helen

Knowing when to ask for help – and do it!

Sometimes we all need an extra hand to get through things. I am not good at asking for help as I like to just soldier on and get things done. You could argue that it is a good thing, and I agree, but there are times when I’m not coping well. I have seen warning signs over the last couple of weeks, and I’ve now done something about it.

Triggers

I feel I have been pretty stable up until a couple of weeks ago. A lot has been going on and I feel both mentally and physically exhausted. This last week in particular I have felt quite down and also been a lot more anxious than normal. I feel I’m stuck in this downward spiral of negative thoughts, and I have to do something about it.
There are various things that could have triggered this. I’m pretty sure I know what they are, as I am sure you all know what your triggers are. What is important is to recognise them when they appear, and not letting them take over.

Asking for help

Having been in this not-so-great place a while now again, I realised I had 2 choices. I could continue feeling really bad, depressed and anxious, or I could try and do something about it. Feeling as bad as I did, I simply had to reach out and ask for help. So I did just that! Not once but twice even. I contacted the mental health service at work, and I am waiting for an appointment for CBT through them. I also have an appointment to start counseling next week.
With previous (not good) experience of CBT, which I did not complete, I felt that I should give it another go. It just so happens that they both start next week. I think it is good, and I am really proud that I did ask for help.

Podcasts

Podcasts have never been my thing, but lately I have started to appreciate how good they can be. Listening to short, empowering podcasts when I am getting ready in the morning or washing up is very good! There are so many great podcasts out there, with a lot of good topics. At the moment I am listening to The Life Coach, which is in Swedish, The Mindset Mentor and Your Anxiety Toolkit. They are quite short which means I don’t have to concentrate for too long. I find them very motivational and they help me to break out of the negative thinking for a while. They help to put things into perspective, and I almost feel they are my own little counselor that I can keep in my pocket and take with me everywhere.
I am currently listening to a wide range of different podcasts. Topics include coaching, anxiety and depression toolkits, mindset, mindfulness, habits and motivation providers. Have a look for yourself and see what you can find! There is nothing to loose.

Professional help

Sometimes you do need that extra bit of help. I am fortunate to have support around me, but I’m at a point now where I need more than they can provide me with. So I need professional help, again. That is ok. Part of me gets worried and anxious just thinking about it. The bigger part is excited about getting more help, and hoping to get closer to what is actually going on. Because I do not wish to feel this way for the rest of my life. I am better than this. I am not my depression and anxiety.

What do you do?

What do you do when things get on top of you? How do you manage everything that goes on? I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice too, please get in touch. Together we can do this!

-Rosita

The road to recovery

Facebook poll

A couple of weeks ago we asked on Facebook what blog you would like to see. The options were mental health conditions, signs and symptoms or how can I help myself on the road to recovery. It was a close call between the two options but with 57% it is the road to recovery. Rosita will take you through her recovery and Helen will take you through hers in Wednesday’s blog.

A road walked

This is a road I walk every day, some days more than others. It has become a way of life, making sustainable and healthy changes. I have come a long way from completely losing the plot having drunk Helen’s glass of juice. You know you’re in a bit of a mess when something so trivial tips you over the edge. It certainly put things into perspective for us. The next day we went to the doctor who signed me off for 2 weeks. 5 months later I resigned from work, having not been back to work. I spent the first few weeks/months crying and not doing a lot. Pretty much everything stressed me out. Most of this time is a bit of a blur. We made a few changes which helped enormously and that is why I am in such a good place today. 

Not going to work

It soon became obvious that my job was the main reason for me no longer functioning. I probably knew that before but could not see a way out of the situation. I loved the job itself, and the good days were fab. But working in the public sector, for a service with over 50,000 officers and staff, became difficult. There were a lot of changes made by people having to justify their existence at work, none for the best in my opinion. There never is a need to reinvent the wheel. I love helping people, and I’m damn good at it too. It got to a point where I could no longer do that. This is all very clear to me now, but it has taken a while to realise that, with a lot of conversations with the professionals and Helen. In the end, the job I loved broke me. Simple as that. 

Leaving London

We had been talking about leaving London and took action. This resulted in us finding a lovely flat in Scotland which also has a little garden. Having outdoor space means the world to me. I can make coffee and sit outside in the sun. You might think this is nothing, but to me it is what keeps me sane. It involves coffee, me-time, fresh air and hopefully sun too. All of this is pretty essential. 

Medication

Being prescribed medication was a massive thing. I only started with the pills after a couple of months, when I realised that I was not getting any better. They have made a huge difference, and I was able to get more from the counselling as well as my brain started to calm down. Constantly crying is hard and tiring.

Counselling 

Counselling gave me a lot of advice and tips, which was essential to my recovery. I have high standards for myself, our home, nutrition and exercise, to name a few. It became apparent that I could not keep this up. So the counsellor suggested to ask myself this: “if I don’t do this particular thing now, is anyone gonna die?”. The answer is simple. This helped me to lower my standards, giving me more time for me. This was when I was really struggling to do anything.

Me-time

I started taking time for me. This involves me doing things I love. To name a few:

  • Listen to music
  • Read a book
  • Taking photos
  • Going for walks
  • Sit and drink coffee
  • Being outside in the sun

These are just a few things that give me a buzz. All of which, apart from drinking coffee, I had stopped doing because I was stressing too much to get chores done. I can now take half a day or a few hours or even a whole day and do nothing. Nothing to me involves me-time. We now have a saying in our house that it’s time for me-time, and this overrides all chores. You should try it. You need to look after yourself. 

Helen

I know not everyone has partner in these circumstances, and I do not know what would have happened had I not had Helen by my side. She’s been, and still is, my rock. Words can’t emphasise enough how I feel. So I will just say this: thank you buddy.

-Rosita

Lists, lists, lists!

Writing things down to make it easier. An easy sentence to write but one that can prove trickier in the making. It does help a great deal to write things down. It is a much better way to remember them as well. Writing things down when you are stressed can help you empty your brain. Creating a list can be used to help de-stress you, I found when Rosie had too much information on the brain that this was a really useful way for her to simply empty her brain onto a piece of paper. Sometimes she would write a sentence and sometimes it was just a word. On one occasion though she took the pens and scribbled all over the page. An interesting way to make a list but the point was this, it helped her to de-stress by making a giant circle. Whatever works for you: do it.

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