The last few weeks have been ok. The one thing I am doing different is speaking to a counsellor on a regular basis. This in turn is allowing for my perspective to start changing ever so slightly, and it is making a real difference. It meant I was able to stand up for myself whilst on the phone to my manager the other day (as I did not agree with what he said), something Rosie from the last few years would not have done.
What I really appreciate about speaking to a counsellor is that he does not know me. Yes I go there on a regular basis and we talk about very personal stuff, but that stays there when I leave. I spend a lot of time in between reflecting on a multitude of things, such as life, work, relationships and so on. So pretty much anything goes. I guess that is one of the purposes of a counsellor, that they start tapping in to you. This then causes a lot of thoughts and realisations to just come out. It opens up different avenues and it is liberating.
Because he does not know me, and I know he will only ever be part of my life as “the counsellor”, I feel completely at ease when it comes to speaking to him about everything. That would not be the case if it were someone I knew on a personal level.
Answering somewhat awkward questions
As part of the last session, I was given a list of ten questions to answer. Examples of questions are: I feel I have someone to speak to, I have made plans to end my life, I feel it would be better if I was not here, and so on. Now these questions have a purpose for the counsellor, to see where you are and how well you are doing (or not) so they can help you the best.
I scored very low (which is the good end). I knew I felt pretty good, I had tried all day to think of something to talk to him about in the session and had not come up with anything. So I knew there was nothing bothering me at the time. He brought a few things up that I had talked about before, and helped me to put it into persepective. He helps to provide explanations to things which is great.
I am now used to answering these, but it has taken a while. I remember the first time still, and I can’t really describe the feeling. It is as if you are so unwell that you can’t see what is happening, or that your behaviour is causing such concern to others. Imagine this: you’re at your doctor, trying to explain what is happening and how you feel, telling them what you can and can’t do, when they start asking difficult questions. Are you suicidal? Have you tried to kill yourself? Do you want to kill yourself?
It really hit home how bad I was at the time for the doctor to ask this. Now before you ask, I have never been in such a bad place. Just that they asked made me feel a lot worse. I spent so many years asking others these questions as part of work, and now I had to answer them myself. I did not like that one single bit.
Shift in perspective
Once you start seeing things from a different angle, no matter how miniscule, your perspective starts changing. It feels liberating, I can already see and feel that there is a shift happening and it makes me feel amazing. I’ve been so stuck in my habits, wants, wishes, ideas, work and life, you name it. I’m not sure if was the depression or anxiety causing it (or both) but it’s just gone downwards. Beeing able to shift how I see things is a game changer. Trust me.
The NLP day also helped a lot, and continues to do so. I will come back to this once I feel I know more about it and feel more confident. For now I will just say that this will help me shift things more.
I feel hopeful, positive, energised and I worry less. It also meant I could question my manager the other day when I did not agree with him, something he told me later he enjoyed and thought I did well for doing so. Rosie from a few years back would not have even thought to do that.
There is help out there. A lot of it, we just need to find what works for us. We are all different, with different life experiences and different needs. If you want to get in contact please do and I will help to guide you in the right direction.