Helen talked in a previous post about me drinking her juice which was the main catalyst into trying to find out what was going on. To read this have a look here.
Just too much
I want to talk about this from my point of view. A lot of things had happened up to that point, which is a topic for another post. To summarise, I had been left all alone in London with our flat packed in boxes, I didn’t know when I would see Helen again, Christmas was around the corner which I would spend on my own and I was also working. For those of you who don’t know me, let me just say that I LOVE Christmas so this was far from my preferred way of spending Christmas. Oh and I had also had to settle for a tiny little Christmas tree, in a pot.
I can’t remember exactly how everything happened, which I think is a way for the brain to deal with things. I know that Helen had come down to London as we were going to drive up to Glasgow the next day. We had talked on the phone before and she knew I wasn’t feeling great. Little things had gotten to me, upsetting me out of the blue, and everything felt very unrealistic.
I’ve always seen myself as a very strong and independent person, and here I was getting reduced to tears more often than not. I also could not put my finger on why. It took all my strength to keep myself together at work, and I remember crying on my way to work and also on my way home. Again for no reason. I simply could not stop the tears. This was also difficult being on the tube or a bus with a lot of people around.
We had dinner and drank some juice with it. I finished off what I thought was my glass, but this turned out to be Helen’s juice. When she asked I realised I’d finished the last of the juice, there was none left in the fridge, and I felt as if the world was coming to an end. I burst out crying again, finding it difficult to speak as I was crying so much. Helen did what she always does, held me and let me cry, telling me it would be ok. I can only imagine how she must have felt, me completely losing it because I had finished her juice.
I know this was the point where she thought that something was very wrong and that she had to fix me. To me it was just another episode of crying. Looking back, I had clearly gotten used to crying a lot for no reason at all that it almost seemed normal to me.
Going to the doctor
She managed to get us an appointment with the doctor the next day. I knew things had gotten so bad that I had to seek help, which was upsetting. But this turned out to be the best thing I could have done. Since then we have really turned things around and I am so much better now, a year and a half later.
To those of you struggling, the one thing I cannot reiterate enough is that you need to seek help. This can be speaking to friends, calling Samaritans, or seeing the doctor. What you need to do is reach out. Do not suffer on your own. The doctor I saw was very helpful and exactly what I needed at the time. So do not suffer in silence, ask for help. Please.